Suggested topics for consideration:

• Handling children/step- children
• Do we want children/contraception
• Goals and directions in life
• Sex – frequency or quality
• Jobs around the home
• Death and bereavement
• Jobs/career/ time at office
• Church/club involvement
• Expressing affection and emotions
• Relaxation and rest
• Relatives and In- laws
• Friendships and recreation
• Money matters
• Habits

The power of forgiveness: TALK ABOUT HOW UNFORGIVENESS IS AFFECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

Physical symptoms:

• Disrupted sleep
• Appetite affected
• Medical conditions : ulcers, high blood pressure, pain
• Damaging addictive behavior: alcohol, drugs, eating disorders, gambling

Affects behavior

• Inability to relax
• Low sex drive
• Obsessive behavior e.g. perfectionism, OCD.
• Quick temper
• Escape through drugs or alcohol
• Escape into work/children/religious activities

Emotional symptoms

• Loss of positive emotions e.g. romance, joy, love
• low self -esteem/depression
• shut down
• fear of confrontation

Exercise – Identifying unresolved hurt

Here we identify the areas of hurt and seeking to understand each other’s feelings better. The homework focuses on forgiveness and apology.

1. Try to identify your partner’s hurt.

Please think about any ways in which you have hurt your partner and affected your relationship that have not been resolved between you.  Think back to when you were going out, engagement and early marriage as well as recent times. (None of us is perfect.)

• What have I failed to do that I should be doing?
• What have I done (or am I doing) that I should not do?
• Where have I failed to meet my husband’s/wife’s needs? What have I said that has been hurtful?
• What have I left unsaid that could have shown love and encouragement?

Don’t make excuses of blame your partner.  The following examples show the difference:

Making excuses/blaming our partner:

I know I criticized you in front of the children/your friends yesterday, but I wouldn’t have done so if you hadn’t made us twenty minutes late.

Proper apology:

I hurt by criticizing you in front of the children/your friends yesterday; it was unkind of me.  I am sorry.

2. Try to understand your partner’s feelings

3. Recognize your responsibility (refuse to make excuses or to blame your partner)

• I did it
• It was wrong
• I need to be forgiven by my partner
• I need to be prepared to change

Now repeat step 1-3 with any other ways you have hurt your partner.

4. Say sorry to each other:

5. Forgive each other

Say to your partner that you forgive them. If it is too difficult, write it down and give it to each other in a letter.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.  Make a conscious decision to forgive and let go.

6. Comfort each other.

• This is valuable when you have made yourselves vulnerable to each other.
• This brings healing to the hurt.

7. Do something you both enjoy together:

In this way you will start to replace negative emotions with positive ones.

Exercise

Seasons in marriage:

Talk about the season you are in and recognize the greatest need for your relationship

Spring:

• Married without children – lasts average of 2 years.
• Recognise that the season you are in if you are young and in the beginning of a marriage
• Greatest need: characterised by the need for acceptance of each other
• growing in anticipation and excitement
• creating your own boundaries, values and principals together

Summer:

• Married with children under the age of 12 years
• Lasts plus/minus for 12 years
• Busy and tiring
• Greatest need: to give time to marriage relationshi

Autumn:

• Family with teenage children at hone
• Approximately 10 – 15 years
• Changeable and sometimes stormy
• Greatest need is to support and encourage each other

Winter:

• Lasts more than 20 years (the longest season)
• Less active – opportunity for more time together
• Greatest need:  Shared interests & good communication